I'm a self proclaimed alcoholic. My first semester of college definitely proved that.
I've been drinking for a few years, so it wasn't a habit I picked up when I first experienced complete freedom from my parents. It's also something that I (mostly) have under control. I know how I get when I'm drunk, what my drunk personality is, and what the number of drinks I can have before I reach my limit is.
During my first semester at UT Austin, though, my alcoholism got worse.
But, I always knew it was something under my control. Something that I chose to do, not something that I needed to do. As much as I have had my share of adventures while drinking, I've had plenty where I didn't even pick up a bottle. I knew that I could definitely go without drinking, even when the temptation was present. So, I decided to challenge myself for a month of sobriety. The month would serve as a sort of clean slate when it comes to my drinking habits, as well as a social experiment. I would still be going out to parties, in order to grow resistant to the temptation of drinking, as well as to analyze the behavior of those around me under the influence.
This was one of the hardest challenges I've ever given myself.
Needless to say, I learned a lot.
Almost 85% of my life first semester revolved around the crazy adventures I went on during the weekends (most included drinking). I always sat in class, thinking about what I would do once Friday rolled along. What I would wear, where I would go. I focused on what was waiting for me during the weekend, that I didn't focus on what was happening right then and there. I didn't focus on the people in front of me, on the professor teaching, or on the notes I was aimlessly writing. I would just sit in class and daydream about the endless possibilities that awaited me at a party. After deciding to give it up, it dawned on me that there was not that much to look forward to on the weekends. I came to the realization that my life needed fulfillment. Alcohol suppressed my thoughts about enriching my life in a healthy way. My time was already full of plans for going out, that whenever I thought about trying to go out and help people or help myself, I just stopped because I thought going out to a party or sleeping in would bring me more happiness or enjoyment. I was under the impression that alcohol was the source of my happiness, that I was surrounded by people who loved me at parties and meeting new people at parties was always exciting. What I came to realize was that, although it was fun meeting people at a random gathering, the chances they would continue to talk to me, or remember me at all for that matter, were slim to none. They were drunk, I was drunk. We were not going to keep in touch, regardless of my naive, drunk hopes that we would. Although it is initially exciting, what was the good of it if the excitement wouldn't last, if a friendship wouldn't last. This experiment taught me who truly cares about me, and who I truly care about, on a level beyond just the surface.
When I gave up drinking, going to a party wasn't entirely the same. I was aware of everything around me. People's mannerisms, the insecure, judgmental looks people gave. The fake smiles, the fake love. I was aware of that girl who looked kind of uncomfortable in the corner of the party. The guy who was trying so hard to get a girl to dance with him. The girl who was really messed up and flirting with every guy who laid eyes on her. People make themselves seem happy at parties, and for a long time I was guilty of this. I feel that a lot of people think they're getting closer to those around them by getting completely wasted together. It's a turn off to be around people who get so sloppy, and they try to help their other sloppy friends, but they all end up as a sloppy mess. Everyone thinks it's so cool to be seen at a party, to be photographed, and to publicize their night out, as opposed to truly enjoying it. Everyone stays with the people they know and cling to them like a piece of gum under a shoe. They're so afraid to approach other people, or to dance with a random stranger, or play in the next beer pong game. People try so hard to get others to notice them. Alcohol is like their liquid confidence. These observations led me to think about how others perceived my actions when I was drinking. I've always thought that I was conscious about what I was doing while drunk, but I don't think I really was. When under the influence, we are never fully aware of what we're doing or what we're saying. We perceive it as normal behavior because we make ourselves think that that is how we act normally. But in reality, it's not. Alcohol does change your behavior, even if it is just slightly.
One night after a party (during this month), I came home and slept like I normally do. The next morning I woke up and felt great. I felt like I normally do on any given weekday when I wasn't drinking. I've always said that I don't get hangovers. I think what I actually meant was I don't get those crazy, dammit I have a headache, the sun hurts, type of hangovers. We all get hangovers, no matter how small. I compared how I felt after a night of partying without drinking, to a night of partying while drinking. When I drank, I felt sluggish the next morning, and all I usually wanted to do was stay in bed then go out again at night. I was unproductive and without energy. When I didn't drink, I felt normal. My level of tiredness was average and I had a regular amount of energy.
Throughout this month, I filled my days with activities to keep me productive and to get my mind off of alcohol. Giving up alcohol for this month opened my eyes to new opportunities around me. I was more aware of the organizations on campus and what they could do for me. I never really explored the possibilities of joining many organizations because I figured my life was already dominated by two things: 1. alcohol and 2. school (or procrastinating on work because going out and sleeping in was more important). When I eliminated alcohol, I realized that I had to fill that void somehow. I needed fulfillment in my life, and I chose to find that fulfillment by joining a time consuming organization. I decided to sign myself up for as many activities as I could possibly handle, in order to distract myself from the temptations of partying. It worked. I fell in love with everything I was doing, and the new level of productivity I achieved. I feel empowered to do more with my life and to do things to not only help myself, but others.
Being the completely sober friend at a party helped me realize how childish the whole party scene is. Don't get me wrong, it can be really fun. But, that's not what life is all about. I remember when I was in high school, every time I wanted to go out my dad would ask me why I wanted to go to parties if it was full of people doing bad things (drugs and alcohol), and it was a crowd I shouldn't associate myself with if I wanted to be successful. I never listened to him, thinking he never understood what it was like to be young and wanting to go out and have fun by drinking and meeting new people. I realized he was right, that although it seems fun (and it can be), it gets old, and the people who just continue to party and waste away their lives like that are usually deadbeats and people who won't go far. I realized how much I love just spending time with close friends, as opposed to going out to huge ragers. I'd rather hang out with a small, close group of people with a couple of brews, instead of going to a big party where I have no idea who made the punch and what they put in it. It's also more fun, and more intimate to spend time with close friends, as opposed to people who are only friends for that night.
One of the biggest things I learned is that moderation is key. I learned that I can go out, and drink, but it shouldn't be my priority. I learned that I should fill my life with positivity, and activities that will help me grow into an overall better human being. I learned who the friends I find important are, and that I should work towards strengthening my relationships with them. I learned that I don't want to be that drunk girl that sloppily dances on top of a table, and flashes her boobs to people (note: I have never done either of those). I learned that it's better to do things that will benefit you in the long run, instead of things that will bring you happiness for a moment.
This was one of the hardest challenges I've ever given myself.
Needless to say, I learned a lot.
Almost 85% of my life first semester revolved around the crazy adventures I went on during the weekends (most included drinking). I always sat in class, thinking about what I would do once Friday rolled along. What I would wear, where I would go. I focused on what was waiting for me during the weekend, that I didn't focus on what was happening right then and there. I didn't focus on the people in front of me, on the professor teaching, or on the notes I was aimlessly writing. I would just sit in class and daydream about the endless possibilities that awaited me at a party. After deciding to give it up, it dawned on me that there was not that much to look forward to on the weekends. I came to the realization that my life needed fulfillment. Alcohol suppressed my thoughts about enriching my life in a healthy way. My time was already full of plans for going out, that whenever I thought about trying to go out and help people or help myself, I just stopped because I thought going out to a party or sleeping in would bring me more happiness or enjoyment. I was under the impression that alcohol was the source of my happiness, that I was surrounded by people who loved me at parties and meeting new people at parties was always exciting. What I came to realize was that, although it was fun meeting people at a random gathering, the chances they would continue to talk to me, or remember me at all for that matter, were slim to none. They were drunk, I was drunk. We were not going to keep in touch, regardless of my naive, drunk hopes that we would. Although it is initially exciting, what was the good of it if the excitement wouldn't last, if a friendship wouldn't last. This experiment taught me who truly cares about me, and who I truly care about, on a level beyond just the surface.
When I gave up drinking, going to a party wasn't entirely the same. I was aware of everything around me. People's mannerisms, the insecure, judgmental looks people gave. The fake smiles, the fake love. I was aware of that girl who looked kind of uncomfortable in the corner of the party. The guy who was trying so hard to get a girl to dance with him. The girl who was really messed up and flirting with every guy who laid eyes on her. People make themselves seem happy at parties, and for a long time I was guilty of this. I feel that a lot of people think they're getting closer to those around them by getting completely wasted together. It's a turn off to be around people who get so sloppy, and they try to help their other sloppy friends, but they all end up as a sloppy mess. Everyone thinks it's so cool to be seen at a party, to be photographed, and to publicize their night out, as opposed to truly enjoying it. Everyone stays with the people they know and cling to them like a piece of gum under a shoe. They're so afraid to approach other people, or to dance with a random stranger, or play in the next beer pong game. People try so hard to get others to notice them. Alcohol is like their liquid confidence. These observations led me to think about how others perceived my actions when I was drinking. I've always thought that I was conscious about what I was doing while drunk, but I don't think I really was. When under the influence, we are never fully aware of what we're doing or what we're saying. We perceive it as normal behavior because we make ourselves think that that is how we act normally. But in reality, it's not. Alcohol does change your behavior, even if it is just slightly.
One night after a party (during this month), I came home and slept like I normally do. The next morning I woke up and felt great. I felt like I normally do on any given weekday when I wasn't drinking. I've always said that I don't get hangovers. I think what I actually meant was I don't get those crazy, dammit I have a headache, the sun hurts, type of hangovers. We all get hangovers, no matter how small. I compared how I felt after a night of partying without drinking, to a night of partying while drinking. When I drank, I felt sluggish the next morning, and all I usually wanted to do was stay in bed then go out again at night. I was unproductive and without energy. When I didn't drink, I felt normal. My level of tiredness was average and I had a regular amount of energy.
Throughout this month, I filled my days with activities to keep me productive and to get my mind off of alcohol. Giving up alcohol for this month opened my eyes to new opportunities around me. I was more aware of the organizations on campus and what they could do for me. I never really explored the possibilities of joining many organizations because I figured my life was already dominated by two things: 1. alcohol and 2. school (or procrastinating on work because going out and sleeping in was more important). When I eliminated alcohol, I realized that I had to fill that void somehow. I needed fulfillment in my life, and I chose to find that fulfillment by joining a time consuming organization. I decided to sign myself up for as many activities as I could possibly handle, in order to distract myself from the temptations of partying. It worked. I fell in love with everything I was doing, and the new level of productivity I achieved. I feel empowered to do more with my life and to do things to not only help myself, but others.
Being the completely sober friend at a party helped me realize how childish the whole party scene is. Don't get me wrong, it can be really fun. But, that's not what life is all about. I remember when I was in high school, every time I wanted to go out my dad would ask me why I wanted to go to parties if it was full of people doing bad things (drugs and alcohol), and it was a crowd I shouldn't associate myself with if I wanted to be successful. I never listened to him, thinking he never understood what it was like to be young and wanting to go out and have fun by drinking and meeting new people. I realized he was right, that although it seems fun (and it can be), it gets old, and the people who just continue to party and waste away their lives like that are usually deadbeats and people who won't go far. I realized how much I love just spending time with close friends, as opposed to going out to huge ragers. I'd rather hang out with a small, close group of people with a couple of brews, instead of going to a big party where I have no idea who made the punch and what they put in it. It's also more fun, and more intimate to spend time with close friends, as opposed to people who are only friends for that night.
One of the biggest things I learned is that moderation is key. I learned that I can go out, and drink, but it shouldn't be my priority. I learned that I should fill my life with positivity, and activities that will help me grow into an overall better human being. I learned who the friends I find important are, and that I should work towards strengthening my relationships with them. I learned that I don't want to be that drunk girl that sloppily dances on top of a table, and flashes her boobs to people (note: I have never done either of those). I learned that it's better to do things that will benefit you in the long run, instead of things that will bring you happiness for a moment.
I'm at a point in my life where I truly am happy with every aspect of it. I know I say that I'm happy with my life all the time, but this time I truly mean it. It's not just any ordinary happiness. It's a happiness that has come with me appreciating my blessings, and putting forth the effort to enrich not only my own life, but the lives of others. It's a happiness that comes with healthy involvement in extracurricular activities, in school, and in everyday conversations with the people around me. It's a happiness that has come with me finding myself and realizing my faults, and having the courage to accept and try to change them.
-TBCG
-TBCG
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